One More Reason to Love The Human Race

I found this one the "best of craigslist". Joy to the World!

best of craigslist > orange county > ********ASS KICKING MACHINE******* Originally Posted: Tue, 28 Aug 14:34 PDT

********ASS KICKING MACHINE*******

---

Date: 2007-08-28, 2:34PM PDT



I am looking for candidates to try out my new invention for a carnival. I need people with a good strong butt. Duties involve sustained blows to the rear by different brands of shoes attached to a rotating ferris wheel device. This job is not for people that have hemmroids or any other ailments of that nature. Must be able to pass background, have a clean/ perfect DMV and pass a drug test from hair samples. Basically im like any other company I want that perfect person for a job that any ass can do. Oh and If you need any remodeling done I have 10+ years experience and my own tools.

Killer Robots Invade Planet Earth

This article was on the front page of Yahoo News:


Noel Sharkey, professor of artificial intelligence and robotics at the University of Sheffield said he believed falling costs would soon make robots a realistic option for extremist groups.

Several countries and companies are developing the technology for robot weapons, with the U.S. Department of Defense leading the way. More than 4,000 robots are deployed in Iraq.

"The trouble is that we can't really put the genie back in the bottle. Once the new weapons are out there, they will be fairly easy to copy," Sharkey will tell a one-day conference organized by Britain's Royal United Services Institute on Wednesday.

"How long is it going to be before the terrorists get in on the act? With the current prices of robot construction falling dramatically and the availability of ready-made components for the amateur market, it wouldn't require a lot of skill to make autonomous robot weapons."

Dear Roommates

---

I thought this was funny. I found it on Craig's list for Humboldt County. Notice it's written at two o'clock in the morning. Sometimes I check out "missed connections" on Craig's list because they can be beautiful (and neurotic). It's the shy, socially inept love call of the lonely. But this post was found on rants and raves. It pretty much sums up the college experience that I was so lucky to avoid. Thank God Daryl and I live alone.


Reply to: pers-584859395@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-02-24, 2:01AM PST


dear retarded roomates,
I have to get up at 8 am tomorrow, yet continue to be serenaded by your loud friends yelling drunkenly at one another and the pleasant smell of burning shrubs wafting underneath the door accompanied by your womanly giggles and door slamming. Please kill yourself and any of your family members who are planning to reproduce because anyone who can be so inhumanly inconsiderate needs to be burning in hell and not smoking weed in my living room.

Purification Ritual

For the past two weeks I've been detoxing with the aid of The Master Cleanse. I feel so good that I thought I'd share some health info (again, that I just learned myself).

The supposed effects of The Master Cleanse are supposed to include: mental clarity, relief of your internal organs from the strain of digestion, rapid weight loss, and spites in natural energy. I lost some weight- though I don't want to know how much because it's not healthy to be obsessive about these things. Most importantly though, I can think more calmly and clearly.

I also learned that certain foods and additives are toxic to the body. Pizza is like heroin- both are toxic toxic toxic. Other ingredients that are tough on the body include: butter, salt, caffeine, sugar and alcohol.

The best benefit for me is an inner calm, which helps me to deal with life more smoothly. When I feel bad about myself I tend to lash out on people around me. Inner calm and good health are the best ways that I have found to bring positive energy to others and boomerang it back to me. On a larger scale, if everyone felt an inner calm then society would improve, violence would not be rampant, and we could do away with religions, therapists, Valium, and revolutions. Or maybe you will just feel better and can deal.

Also my friend just sent me an e-mail on the vitamins I need in my diet. Here it is...

rose-
I would say the single most important thing you could be taking are essential fatty acids. Most Americans are deficient and a lack of E.F.A.'s is reflected in everything from decreased energy, chronic inflammations and poor cellular metabolism generally. The best EFA's are from fish oil, as flax is generally not assimilated very well, but borage and evening primrose oil are good too.
Beyond this, Vit. B6 and magnesium are very common nutritional deficiencies, but I would recommend getting a good multi-vitamin that says its from whole food sources, as the body gets more out of them when they are.
So yeah, fish oil( it can be in pills too) and a whole-food multivitamin. Oh ya, and 2 quarts of water a day seriously makes a big difference. So that's my abbreviated vitamin guru rap. Hope its useful...love yak

Hope this inspires and informs! If there is anything disagreeable please tell me. Or, if you know any other sure paths to good health, please comment.

Oh beautiful was the werewolf in his evil forest

*The title of this blog alludes to my favorite Richard Brautigan poem.

I am challenging the President of the Humboldt Chess Team tomorrow, by the ocean, hopefully (at least in my imagination) in pure black ninja suits. Needless to say I am scared. I played him once before in speed Chess...he beat me in a little under a minute. Never in my life had I hated a man so much. Ches is an ego thing. Though my great friend Ben insists that the game "GO" is more beautiful, philosophical and non aggressive then the chess playing mentality. He is probably right.

This particular man interests me more than his chess skills. I was in love with one of his friends. He, the chess pros's friend (though his name in unimportant, lets just call him "He') just won ten thousands in a chess competition in Vegas. His father became a fanatical Buddhist and abandoned the family to move to Nepal. His mother was a yoga instructor who made small time heroin deals. When he was 17, attending all AP classes, he nearly beat a bully to death for picking on a nerd. That landed him a year in prison. The bully got out of the coma in four months. But this man I once loved, remained in year, which would have been much longer then a year, had they not done comprehensive testing. Turned out the his IQ was 140 (and yes, I know they are geared toward white men, but he would tell you that too.)

My one time love sold heroin. When I was on the stuff, he would come into my apartment and stare for hours at the, "Grand Master Chess" program. Hours, I kid you not. He said it took six months to get to his status. A book was written and published about this character.

I love then too deeply. I find old poems, stained in tar, that were dedicated to him. IQ of 140. What a waste. The worst thing about him was that he had a solid moral core- even dealing heroin. Such integrity. He said what he meant and did what he said. No bullshit, no violence. He would not even sell to someone who was not hooked.

My point is that this man, the one I loved, a brown belt in Judo, was the only man in Humboldt county to beat this fellow I play tomorrow. I would rather lose then have either of their brains.

Lawyers vs. Child-like bliss

A balding lawyer in a red Jaguar comes to a stop sign, but does not quite hit the brakes completely before driving past the intersection. A cop sees this, puts on his flashing lights, and pulls the lawyer to the side of the road.

Lawyer: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You did not come to a complete stop at that stop sign. You came to a rolling stop. Therefore I have to ticket you.
Lawyer: Officer, you are saying 'rolling stop' as opposed to 'complete stop' as if they are two different things. The word "rolling" and the word "stop" are both antonyms for the same action: "stop".
Cop: They are two different words, therefor you deserve a ticket.
Lawyer: Officer, if you can logically convince me that there are different definitions preceding the action of stopping, then I can and will gladly accept the ticket.
Cop: You want me to convince you that there is a difference in coming to a rolling stop or a complete stop? Sure, I'd be happy to explain that to you logically. Get out of the car.
The lawyer obliges and gets out of the car. Just then the cop step forward, takes out his baton, and begins beating the hell out of the lawyer.
Lawyer: Oh stop! You are killing me!
Cop: Now, you want me to come to a "rolling stop" or do you want me to just "stop"?

My point is that anyone can argue any point with the proper training, knowing a formula, and memorizing some three dollars words, anyone can argue any point. There has to be some soul injected into any argument.

I found an old book of letters that D.H Lawrence (one of my favorites in my early 20's) wrote to his friend Aldous Huxley on this subject. Lawrence wrote to Huxley a biting letter about his disgust of his book, "Point Counter Point" getting such wonderful reviews in general. At the time Lawrence was getting shit for his Lady Chatterley book (don't really bother with it) because it was 'immoral' for the time period, though it's about love. Lawrence wrote that if the general public realized that "Point Counter Point" is about arguing any point, and how dangerous that could be, they would trash his (Huxley's) book, not his. He kind of got a laugh about how fickle literature audiences are with sexuality and yet overlook dangerous issues. I'll explain why knowing the knowledge in "Point Counter Point" could be create danger later.

My negativity is not directed at the professional lawyer, but the metaphorical one (was that cheesy?), inside everyone. The part of us that dwells in petty talk, gossip, politics, static.

If that's too abstract then I'll break it down in images. Lawyer stuff is like the shit you read on the front page of yahoo news because they don't have anything to say. It's the petty talk from someone beside you who is not on acid, when you are on acid. It's talk that jocks create to win women at the bars. It can be intellectual masturbation as well. How would you like to be locked into a room on LSD with CNN playing loud in the background? Lawyer stuff. It's arguing that you can't feed the world's population because it's not profitable, or logical. It's the fucking jerks of the world who argue to stroke their fragile egos even when it means to throw compassion out the window. Basically for me it boils down to compassion, and the ability to win an argument without it and just call it 'logic'.

I once walked out of a Jean-Paul Sartre class (hated it!) at San Francisco debate because of this line of thinking. Sartre was a ass, and I'd challenge him to a duel if he were not rotting in the ground. My beef with one of his lessons was that he believed you can postpone grief, and emotion in general to be responsible. Sartre was all about responsibility, and making "rational decisions for an emotionally positive outcome"

As a side note I think I dropped that class because of the word "responsibility" repeated so often, it did not jive well with my gypsy life. Sartre would have me live without conflict if I actually took his advice. I found it boring to strive for that type of life at the time.

Anyway, the war was going on back then too, and I asked the Professor if she thought that line of thinking could be dangerous. For example: should I be responsible and take the test that was scheduled for that class that day for a good grade in the future and a good outcome for myself academically, OR could I follow my heart and protest the war. Sartre would say to be responsible. I could not accept it. Arrogance too on my part. Plus I could not stand all those poorly dressed hipsters (lawyer types all of them!) in that class.

Telling the Government to Fuck Themselves...

...I don't recommend it. There is always some disgruntled, middle aged, jerk who has a wife that hates him, or a 3 hour commute in traffic just to get to their little cubicle, or a messy house to come home to alone, and...they hear those words (the words of a stranger) and decide to go gangster.

Today I was denied access to college for the semester because over a year ago, in some drug induced state (a life left far behind me now), I told the Department of Education to, "go fuck yourself" in a one line e-mail because I owe them a lot of money. Oh how punk rock.

Being a homebody does not suit me; so I've been trying to figure out what to do with no financial aid and no resources until I come up with their blood money. Want to give me seven grand?

The beautiful thing with time to blow is that I can find some kind of creative outlet until I win big at Blue Lake Casino. Until then I will just educate myself. Although most of the fun of going to college is to learn, be decentful towards pompous Professors (my favorite aspect!), and spend Uncle Sam's money on bodily pleasures. That is how I live my life.