Friday, January 9, 2009

On Having Children

I created this blog with the intention to write down all my thoughts. The idea was to find some sort of connection with others by writing down how I saw life. It failed because my confidence wavered with the thought that writing stuff down to be viewed would make it less authentic because I'm supposed to be speaking to an audience. When in reality all I wanted was to record my life, and maybe find some connection. I mostly retreat to writing things down privately, because I know you only have yourself to grow from. Having said that, this is a subject that my female biology is screaming about lately, and I've come to some conclusions. I'll preface everything I write by saying I'm 30, and no matter how conscious I am about morality, I am still in a 30 year old woman's body. About a week ago I came to the conclusion that it's absolutely immoral to play a role in creating another life. By creating a life you are assuring death in that person. I want to wash my hands clean of hurting any life form in my life, and if I adopted children then the premise of creating life being immoral is destroyed. I would be nurturing life instead. It really is very selfish and egocentric to want children that look like you and not consider how difficult the world will be for them. It's a bitch. I can guide any beating heart into light and color and show them the greatest books and walks in nature and cool comics ; sooner or later that child will have their heart broken about the world. But to counterpoint, why do I have to be the only person in the world to lead a moral life despite my dreams? It's unfair.
The problem with most people and their dreams is that they are so desperate in their struggles to have what they do not, they never ask why they want that. Or what repercussions will be faced in achieving your goals. They are so consumed with the struggle that they don't have the luxury of thoroughly analyzing their options. Like having a family and a spouse. That's an elusive quest for some and they long for companionship so much that they don't see what it means in the broad scheme of things. The struggle itself is all they see.
I barely notice that throughout the day most of what I do is geared towards raising a family. Our home is always clean. I work in our green house. Try to keep moral going. I jog a mile every other day to stay fit. Something is missing in my life, and my biology says it's a child. Say I chose not to raise a family? What would I do in a day? I read books and books. I run. I already sorted out the life death thing: now I'm living to my fullest and trying to make the most out of life. I'm a positive nihilist (but my thoughts wear me out sometimes, and I always find myself alone in my thinking.) So I have this blank canvas to do whatever I want to be happy. I'm so analytical that I find myself deconstructing dance movements instead of dancing myself. Anyway I can't say I'm not happy. But I do feel like something is missing. When I got healthy by working for it I thought that when I came through that tunnel something would happen. I half expected some life changing event that everyone else was privy to but me would suddenly come my way. There is no secret formula (except maybe not to drink alcohol and to work for your happiness.) Having children is a subject I have a little time in tossing around then it's gone forever. In ten years I can't have children. Adoption, yes. Biological children are only a possibility in my 30's. Until I decide I'll keep doing what I do to remain happy. Charlotte Sometimes...