Tuesday, August 22, 2017

So I almost married a Nazi

That title almost sounds like a made for tv drama; I'd like to add some blood and a sturdy rating. Today is my first day of the second trimester of pregnancy. I had an ultrasound, which also had the baby's strong heart beat. Very cool stuff. This morning was the best day of my life. My live in boyfriend who I met as a homeless junkie- him not me- was not amused with the ultrasound. He was not amused with anything. Before daring to ask him to get the dog and cat some food, I noticed that his hand had been jerking all morning. All morning he'd jerk his hand and say, "Shuutttup". That's kind of annoying. "Could you make sure my sandwich does not have ham on it?" Shuttup!" He looks like a newly infected angry zombie from the movie 28 Days Later.
He left last night to go to Fabian's house...the Fabian from my last blog. And see, I was right!
After walking less then 2 minutes to get the cat food, he had texted my father and brother to say, "Get her out of here. She can't move with me." I had no idea until my dad called me.
But last week I spent the majority of the week in a hotel room trying to run away, because this one year live in boyfriend is a half a step away from carving a swastika in his forehead. Not in a Charles Manson kind of way. He's not smart enough to know to X anything out of his life. I'd like to X out the last year of my life with this guy. I supported him financially until a month ago today. When I got cut off financially by my family, I had to (by default) stop supporting him. His support of me lasted not even a month. Not even a half a month because I was in a hotel for half this month planning my escape like a military strategy.



This man marks the 4th homeless person that I've taken in who has been ungrateful, extremely and hopelessly troubled, and pulled me down into a land where one, "Abandons All Hope"; meaning hell.

I can't even attach a neurosis to him. He's too stupid to be labeled a sociopath or a narcissist. He's just an idiot. After this Charlotte, Virginia killing he went full Nazi with Facebook posts; going as far as tagging people that were black to anchor them down to his racism. I feel like its a failure with me; like I could not explain history well to him. I told him to stick with Richard Spencer if he was going to have an outlet for his hate because that guy will never get out of theory. I was waking up to the noise of Youtubes about hate and going to sleep to noise about hate.

Finally, the reason why I was cut off from my family a month ago. I was having an argument with my boyfriend, who was on the phone speaking loudly about me, and as I went to grab the phone, it dropped. He pushed me, and I ran to the neighbors until he calmed down. When I came back home 5 minutes later, he had called the police, lied through his teeth saying that I punched him in the face, and I was carted away to jail. I spent six days in jail, and I have to hang around Austin paying ridiculous court costs and attending a slew of family violence classes. My boyfriend has the body of Himuro Gemma from the 1993 classic anime, Ninja Scroll. If you have not seen that awesome classic, I'll tell you that Lord Gemma has his head sewn onto his body. At one point he is split in half with a sword, and a spike comes through his back. He still beats the hell out of the protagonist with the bass-ass shout, "I can't die!" Hell yeah! I love that movie. My boyfriend=Lord Gemma. I didn't hit him.

But all of this bitching ranting, and annoyance does have a final punchline. If ever a liberal, alt-left right-sideways person asks, I have a definitive answer to the question: Is it every really okay to punch a Nazi? Not really.






Monday, July 24, 2017

Everyone Needs a Fabian

I have not written anything in a while because I have nothing of value to say. I thought about changing the title to, "Everyone Has a Shia Labeouf" but Fabian is an actual person who I know from my partner and most importantly about his character is the central belief that Fabian is a huge-hearated person. Also, I believe there is a 'need' more then simply being present in one's life. There is a need to have someone who fucks up this much to make people feel better about their own boring life.
I've only met Fabian once, when he came to my home with my boyfriend after attending an AA meeting my boyfriend insisted he go to together. I could not tell you what he looked like from memory. I only remember him stopping to turn to me as I sat on a sofa to say, "Nice to meet you! I've ready to quit. I've been at this too long." His tone and his pandering made me think only to myself that we will not be seeing him in an AA meetings any time soon.
Fabian is the person to call when you lose your job and need a place to stay. That's where my boyfriend met him; they were co-workers and Fabian bought the drugs, rented the apartment, and drove the couple to work. You call Fabian when you need help somehow. He will take you to fix your car. To work. You go to Fabian when your girlfriend kicks you out. He would never say no to helping someone he liked.
But all of that is quickly forgotten because he himself is a huge fuck-up. He shoplifts daily. Shoots heroin before noon. He had some tragedies in his life and he uses them to his aid as an excuse for why he is a huge fuck-up.
I only hear about this guy once every other week. He has nearly almost stayed with us a few times. What I hear is that he has gone back to jail. Then we hear he has a new job. He will always be in trouble, and always be okay.
The point is that there is a need to talk about people like this to feel better about ourselves somehow. As long as there are jails for Fabian, there is entertainment for us.

And that's all there is. I have become the static character of the, "Nobody Cares!" girl from The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test.

Man, I am Fabian. I've done a lot of good things in my life. Those good deeds never come up again. The concept of someone like Shia Labeouf would almost fit my idea for this blog, but he is not very likable. I saw his recent arrest tape and I can understand it. People don't like to be arrested. It's not pleasant. We get pretty angry. But my hate is purposeful. I don't fault his tactics, but I never want to lose my own humanity by letting my hate blind my purpose. Racism strips credibility. Plus its just not fair; its not a fair fight. Its ugly and dirty but most importantly, not effective in my opinion.
There is a new jail house in Del Valley (the jail in Travis County, Texas) that just cost one hundred million dollars to build. Its a billion dollar fuck up industry.

I've always been attracted to what I call master-criminal minds. People above the law. People that constantly break laws but get away with it. Separately, in the jail system, I've always been attracted to people who have so much obvious potential but they never caught a break. I just got out of a week of jail. It was about 55 degrees in there. I was transferred to the jail where I caught up on my reading, talked to some beautiful Fabians, and had my heart broken by a lot of buck tooth brilliant women who just never caught a break. Had a family. Were encouraged. Had real love.

These people are my brothers and sisters. I'll take them over my judgmental family. They are my comrades; I have known no better. I'm a born talent scout. When you spend 3 days in a jail cell not allowed to read, you come out looking like Jesus Christ after he was nailed to the cross. The purifier is the state that pressed the charges. Don't get into trouble in Texas. They are an ass-kicking state. I came out beating my chest like I did a tour of Vietnam. You look into the eyes of women telling you about their ultimate fighting skills that finally got them caught and you look hard for salvation in their eyes. Religion screams in the quiet of a prisoner's solitude.

I should come here to say that I still don't get it. Stretch my arms out and breath. I refuse to apologize.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Volunteers for the Universal P-funk Block Party

I'm going to make this as easy as possible. Here is the number to a link for donating to an animal cruelty case: (707) 822-5124. Here is the case:

https://lostcoastoutpost.com/2017/apr/17/cat-found-partially-skinned-alive-eureka/

The above number is accepting donations for a cat named, Joseph, who was tortured by some dickless fuck in Eureka. It takes all of 5 minutes to grab your wallet, call that number (707)822-5124, and donate five bucks to a very good cause. Joseph does not have wealthy parents, and he needs medical help right now. Today, tomorrow, this is not news. He needs surgery and care for the next few months.

When I heard about this case, my heart dropped. Donating what little I could made me feel so good. So proactive. The worst that could happen has already happened, but its not over yet. There is always hope as long as people are mending what needs to be fixed.

The Sunny Brae animal hospital is the same place that I got Lucian at when he was a little kitten whose mother was hit by a drunk driver and killed, but he came out just perfect. This is the good stuff. Please help a good cause. Here is their website:

http://www.sunnybraeanimalclinic.com/

They rescue stray animals, abused animals, and they place them in good homes.

Other ways to help stop animal cruelty are to find local politicians supporting animal rights causes, and spread their good word. My neighbor in Maryland helped to pass "The Shadow Law", which made it a felony to abuse animals. Campaigning for these good causes creates a high that no drug compares to because its real; so in a round about way, if you want to get high, grab your debit card and call that number.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Making Fun of Myself

I read this a while back. I stopped being a veggie when my boyfriend and I got together. He is a very good cook! But before him, I was a vegetarian most of my life and a raw food vegan by default (My ex-fiance was one.) Since I'm on the subject, I will add a side note that will probably never come up again to be added in any blog. That is, in Humboldt county it is so damn near impossible to get a job, the raw food vegan store in Blue Lake has a strange rule. The first time you can work for them for free. After one time, you HAVE TO PAY TO WORK THERE. My ex-fiance is one such sucker.



"Cardinal Knowledge”
T. C. Boyle

I’D NEVER REALLY THOUGHT MUCH ABOUT MEAT. It was there in the supermarket in a plastic wrapper; it came between slices of bread with mayo and mustard and a dill pickle on the side; it sputtered and smoked on the grill till somebody flipped it over, and then it appeared on the plate, between the baked potato and the julienned carrots, neatly crosshatched and floating in a puddle of red juice. Beef, mutton, pork, venison, dripping burgers and greasy ribs, it was all the same to me—food, the body’s fuel, something to savor a moment on the tongue before the digestive system went to work on it. Which is not to say I was totally unconscious of the deeper implications: Every once in a while, I’d eat at home—a quartered chicken, a package of Shake ‘N Bake, Stove Top Stuffing and frozen peas, and as I hacked away at the stippled yellow skin and pink flesh of the sanitized bird, I’d wonder at the darkish bits of organ clinging to the ribs--what was that, liver? Kidney?--but in the end, it didn’t make me any less fond of Kentucky Fried or Chicken McNuggets. I’d seen those ads in the magazines, too, the ones that showed the veal calves penned up in their own waste, their limbs atrophied and their veins so pumped full of antibiotics they couldn’t control their bowels, but when I took a date to Anna Maria’s, I could never resist the veal scaloppine.
And then I met Alena Iorgensen.
It was a year ago, two weeks before Thanksgiving--I remember the date because it was my birthday, my 30th, and I’d called in sick and gone to the beach to warm my face, read a book and feel a little sorry for myself. The Santa Anas were blowing and it was clear all the way to Catalina, but there was an edge to the air, a scent of winter, and as far as I could see in either direction, I had the beach pretty much to myself. I found a sheltered spot in a tumble of boulders, spread a blanket and settled down to attack a pastrami on rye I’d brought along for nourishment. Then turned to my book--a comforttingly apocalyptic tract about the demise of the planet--and let the sun warm me as I read about the denuding of the rain forest, the poisoning of the atmosphere and the swift, silent eradication of species. Gulls coasted by overhead. I saw the distant glint of jetliners.
I must have dozed, my head thrown back, the book spread open in my lap, because the next thing I remember, a strange dog was hovering over me and the sun had dipped behind the rocks. The dog was big, wild-haired, with one staring blue eye, and it just looked at me, ears slightly cocked, as if it expected a Milk-Bone or something. I was startled--not that I don’t like dogs, but here was this woolly thing poking its snout in my face--and I guess I must have made some sort of defensive gesture, because the dog staggered back a step and froze. Even in the confusion of the moment, I could see that there was something wrong with this dog, an unsteadiness, a gimp, a wobble to its legs. I felt a mixture of pity and revulsion--it had been hit by a car, was that it?--when all at once, I became aware of a wetness on the breast of my windbreaker and an unmistakable odor rose to my nostrils: I’d been pissed on.
Pissed on. As I lay there unsuspecting, enjoying the sun, the beach, the solitude, this stupid beast had lifted its leg and used me as a pissoir--and now it was poised there on the edge of the blanket as if it expected a reward. A sudden rage seized me. I came up off the blanket with a curse, and it was only then that a dim apprehension seemed to seep into the dog’s other eye, the brown one, and it lurched back and fell on its face, just out of reach. And then it lurched and fell again, bobbing and weaving across the sand like a seal out of water. I was on my feet now, murderous, glad to see that the thing was hobbled--it would simplify my task of running it down and beating it to death.

“ALF!” A VOICE CALLED, and as the dog floundered in the sand, I turned and saw Alena Jorgensen poised on the boulder behind me. I don’t want to make too much of the moment, don’t want to mythologize it or clutter the scene with allusions to Aphrodite rising from the waves or accepting the golden apple from Paris, but she was a pretty impressive sight. Bare-legged, fluid, as tall and uncompromising as her Nordic ancestors and dressed in a Gore-Tex bikini and hooded sweat shirt unzipped to the waist, she blew me away. Piss-spattered and stupefied, I could only gape up at her.
“You bad boy,” she said, scolding, “you get out of there.” She glanced from the dog to me and back again. “Oh, you bad boy, what have you done?” she demanded, and I was ready to admit to anything, but it was the dog she was addressing, and it flopped over in the sand as if it had been shot. Alena skipped lightly down from the rock, and in the next moment, before I could protest, she was rubbing at the stain on my windbreaker with the wadded-up hem of her sweat shirt.
I tried to stop her—“It’s all right,” I said. “It’s nothing,” as if dogs routinely pissed on my wardrobe—but she wouldn’t hear of it.
“No,” she said, rubbing, her hair flying in my face, the naked skin of her thigh pressed unself-consciously to my own, “no, this is terrible, I’m so embarrassed. Alf, you bad boy. I’ll clean it for you, I will, it’s the least--oh, look at that, it’s stained right through to your T --shirt--”
I could smell her, the mousse she used in her hair, a lilac soap or perfume, the salt-sweet odor of her sweat—she’d been jogging, that was it. I murmured something about taking it to the cleaner’s myself.
She stopped rubbing and straightened up. She was my height, maybe even a fraction taller, and her eyes were slightly mismatched, like the dog’s: a deep earnest blue in the right iris, shading to sea-green and turquoise in the left. We were so close we might have been dancing. “Tell you what,” she said, and her face lit up with a smile. “Since you’re so nice about the whole thing, and most people wouldn’t be, even if they knew what poor Alf had been through, why don’t you let me wash it for you--and the T--shirt, too?”
I was a little disconcerted at this point--I was the one who’d been pissed on, after all--but my anger was gone. I felt weightless, adrift, like a piece of fluff floating on the breeze. “Listen,” I said, and for the moment, I couldn’t look her in the eye, “I don’t want to put you to any trouble. . . .”
‘‘I’m ten minutes up the beach, and I’ve got a washer and drier. Come on, it’s no trouble at all. Or do you have plans? I mean, I could just pay for the cleaner’s, if you want. ...”
I was between relationships--the person I’d been seeing off and on for the past year wouldn’t even return my calls--and my plans consisted of taking in a solitary late--afternoon movie as a birthday treat, then heading over to my mother’s for dinner and the cake with candles. My aunt Irene would be there, and so would my grandmother. They would exclaim over how big I was and how handsome, and then they would begin to contrast my present self with my previous, more diminutive incarnations and finally work themselves up to a spate of reminiscence that would continue unabated till my mother drove them home. And then, if I was lucky, I’d go out to a singles bar and make the acquaintance of a divorced computer programmer in her mid-30s with three kids and bad breath.
I shrugged. “Plans? No, not really. I mean, nothing in particular.”

ALENA WAS HOUSE-SITTING A ONE-ROOM BUNGALOW that rose stumplike from the sand, no more than 50 feet from the tide line. There were trees in the yard behind it and the place was sandwiched between glass fortresses with crenelated decks, whipping flags and great hulking concrete pylons. Sitting on the couch inside, you could feel the full reverberation of each wave hitting the shore, a slow, steady pulse that forever defined the place for me. Alena gave me a faded UC Davis sweat shirt that nearly fit, sprayed stain remover on my T--shirt and windbreaker and in a single fluid motion flipped down the lid of the washer and extracted two beers from the refrigerator beside it.
There was an awkward moment as she settled into the chair opposite me and we concentrated on our beers. I didn’t know what to say. I was disoriented, giddy, still struggling to grasp what had happened. Fifteen minutes earlier, I’d been dozing on the beach, alone on my birthday, feeling sorry for myself, and now I was ensconced in a cozy beach house, in the presence of Alena Jorgensen and her spill of naked leg, drinking a beer. “So what do you do?” she said, setting her beer down on the coffee table.
I was grateful for the question; too grateful, maybe. I described to her at length how dull my job was, nearly ten years with the same agency, writing ad copy, my brain gone numb with disuse. I was somewhere in the middle of a blow-by-blow account of our current campaign for a Ghanian vodka distilled from calabash husks when she said, “I know what you mean,” and told me she’d dropped out of veterinary school herself. “After I saw what they did to the animals. I mean, can you see neutering a dog just for our convenience, just because it’s easier for us if they don’t have a sex life?” Her voice grew hot. “It’s the same old story, species fascism at its worst.”
Alf was lying at my feet, grunting softly and looking up mournfully out of his staring blue eye, as blameless a creature as ever lived. I made a small noise of agreement and then focused on Alf. “And your dog,” I said, “he’s arthritic? Or is it hip dysplasia or what?” I was pleased with myself for the question--aside from tapeworm, hip dysplasia was the only veterinary term I could dredge up from the memory bank, and I could see Alf s problems ran deeper than worms.
Alena looked angry suddenly. “Don’t I wish,” she said. She paused to draw a bitter breath. “There’s nothing wrong with Alf that wasn’t inflicted on him. They tortured him, maimed him, mutilated him.”
“Tortured him?” I echoed, feeling the indignation rise in me--this beautiful girl, this innocent beast. “Who?”
Alena leaned forward and there was real hate in her eyes. She mentioned a prominent shoe company--spat out the name, actually. It was an ordinary name, a familiar one, and it hung in the air between us, suddenly sinister. Alf had been a part of an experiment to market booties for dogs--suede, cordovan, patent leather, the works. The dogs were made to pace a treadmill in their booties to assess wear; Alf was part of the control group.
“Control group?” I could feel the hair rising on the back of my neck.
“They used eighty-grit sandpaper on the treads to accelerate the process.” Alena shot a glance out the window to where the surf pounded the shore; she bit her lip. “Alf was one of the dogs without booties.”
I was stunned. I wanted to get up and comfort her, but I might as well have been grafted to the chair. “I don’t believe it,” I said. “How could anybody--?”
“Believe it,” she said. She studied me for a moment, then crossed the room to dig through a cardboard box in the corner.
If I was moved by the emotion she’d called up, I was moved even more by the sight of her bending over the box in her Gore-Tex bikini; I clung to the edge of the chair as if it were a plunging roller coaster. A moment later, she dropped a dozen file folders in my lap. The uppermost bore the name of the shoe company, and it was crammed with news clippings, several pages of a diary relating to plant operations and workers’ shifts at the Grand Rapids facility and a floor plan of the laboratories. The folders beneath it were inscribed with the names of cosmetics firms, biomedical-research centers, furriers, tanners, meat packers. Alena perched on the edge of the coffee table and watched as I shuffled through them.
“You know the Draize Test?” I gave her a blank look.
“They inject chemicals into rabbits’ eyes to see how much it’ll take before they go blind. The rabbits are in cages, thousands of them, and they take a needle and jab it into their eyes and you know why, you know in the name of what great humanitarian cause this is going on, even as we speak?”
I didn’t know. The surf pounded at my feet. I glanced at Alf and then back into her angry eyes.
“Mascara, that’s what. Mascara. They torture countless thousands of rabbits so women can look like sluts.”
I thought the characterization a bit harsh, but when I studied her pale lashes and tight lipstickless mouth, I saw that she meant it. At any rate, the notion set her off, and she launched into a two-hour lecture, gesturing with her flawless hands, quoting figures, digging through her files for the odd photo of legless mice or morphine-addicted gerbils. She told me how she’d rescued Alf herself, raiding the laboratory with six other members of the Animal Liberation Front, the militant group in honor of which Alf had been named. At first, she’d been content to write letters and carry placards, but now, with the lives of so many animals at stake, she’d turned to more direct action: harassment, vandalism, sabotage. She described how she’d spiked trees with Earth-First!-ers in Oregon, cut miles of barbed-wire fence on cattle ranches in Nevada, destroyed records in biomedical-research labs up and down the coast and insinuated herself between the hunters and the bighorn sheep in the mountains of Arizona. I could only nod and exclaim, smile ruefully and whistle in a low “Holy cow!” sort of way. Finally, she paused to level her unsettling eyes on me. “You know what Isaac Bashevis Singer said?”
We were on our third beer. The sun was gone. I didn’t have a clue.
“Every day is Auschwitz for the animals.”
I looked down into the amber aperture of my beer bottle and nodded my head sadly. The drier had stopped an hour and a half ago. I wondered if she’d go out to dinner with me, and what she would eat if she did. “Uh, I was wondering,” I said, “if ... if you might want to go--out for something to eat--”
Alf chose that moment to heave himself up from the floor and urinate on the wall behind me. My dinner proposal hung in the balance as Alena shot up off the edge of the table to scold him and then gently usher him out the door. “Poor Alf,” she said sighing, turning back to me with a shrug. “But listen, I’m sorry if I talked your head off--I didn’t mean to, but it’s rare to find somebody on your own wave length.”
She smiled. On your own wave length: The words illuminated me, excited me, sent up a tremor I could feel all the way down in the deepest nodes of my reproductive tract. “So how about dinner?” I persisted. Restaurants were running through my head--would it have to be a veggie? Could there be a whiff of grilled flesh in the air? Curdled goat’s milk and tabouleh, tofu, lentil soup, sprouts: Every day is Auschwitz for the animals. “No place with meat, of course.”
She just looked at me.
“I mean, I don’t eat meat myself,” I lied, “or actually, not anymore”—since the pastrami sandwich, that is—“but I don’t really know anyplace that ...” I trailed off lamely.
“I’m a vegan,” she said.
After two hours of blind bunnies, butchered calves and mutilated pups, I couldn’t resist the joke. ‘‘I’m from Venus myself.”
She laughed, but I could see she didn’t find it all that funny.
Vegans didn’t eat meat or fish, she explained, or milk or cheese or eggs, and they didn’t wear wool or leather--or fur, of course.
“Of course,” I said. We were both standing there, hovering over the coffee table. I was beginning to feel a little foolish.
“Why don’t we just eat here,” she said.

THE DEEP THROB OF THE OCEAN SEEMED TO SETTLE IN MY BONES as we lay there in bed that night, Alena and I, and I learned all about the fluency of her limbs and the sweetness of her vegetable tongue Aif sprawled on the floor beneath us, wheezing and groaning in his sleep, and I blessed him for his incontinence and his doggy stupidity. Something was happening with each beat of the surf--and I was ready to go along with it. In the morning I called in sick again.
Alena was watching me from bed as I dialed the office and described how the flu had migrated from my head to my gut and beyond, and there was a look in her eye that told me I would spend the rest of the day right there beside her, peeling grapes and dropping them one by one between her parted and expectant lips. I was wrong. Half an hour later, after a breakfast of brewer’s yeast and what appeared to be some sort of bark marinated in yogurt, I found myself marching up and down the sidewalk in front of a fur emporium in Beverly Hills, waving a placard that read HOW DOES IT FEEL TO WEAR A CORPSE? in letters that dripped like blood.
It was a shock. I’d seen protest marches on TV, antiwar rallies and civil rights demonstrations and all that, but I’d never warmed my heels on the pavement or chanted slogans or felt the naked stick in my hand. There were maybe 40 of us in all, mostly women, and we waved our placards at passing cars and blocked traffic on the sidewalk. One woman had smeared her face and hands with cold cream steeped in Red #3, and Alena had found a ratty mink stole somewhere--the kind that features whole animals sewed together, snout to tail, their miniature limbs dangling--and she’d taken a can of crimson spray paint to their muzzles so that they looked freshly killed. She brandished this grisly banner on a stick high above her head, whooping like a savage and chanting, “Fur is death, fur is death,” over and over again till it became a mantra for the crowd. The day was unseasonably warm, the Jaguars glinted in the sun and the palms nodded in the breeze, and no one but for a single tight-lipped salesman glowering from behind the store’s immaculate windows paid the slightest bit of attention to us.
I marched out there on the sidewalk--feeling exposed and conspicuous but marching nonetheless--for Alena’s sake and for the sake of the foxes and the martens and all the rest, and for my own sake, too: With each step I took, I could feel my consciousness expanding like a balloon, the breath of saintliness seeping steadily into me. Up to this point, I’d worn suede and leather like anybody else--ankle boots and Air Jordans, a bombardier jacket I’d had since high school. If 1’d drawn the line with fur, it was only because I’d never had any use for it. If I’d lived in the Yukon--and sometimes, drowsing through a meeting at work, I found myself fantasizing about it--I would have worn fur, no compunction, no second thoughts.
But not anymore. Now I was a protester, a placard waver, now I was fighting for the right of every last weasel and lynx to grow old and die gracefully, now I was Alena Jorgensen’s lover and a force to be reckoned with. Of course, my feet hurt and I was running sweat and praying that no one from work would drive by and see me there on the sidewalk with my crazy cohorts and denunciatory sign.
We marched for hours, back and forth, till I thought we’d wear a groove in the pavement. We chanted and jeered and nobody so much as looked at us twice. We could have been Hare Krishnas, bums, anti-abortionists or lepers, what did it matter? To the rest of the world, to the uninitiated masses to whose sorry number I’d belonged just 24 hours earlier, we were invisible. I was hungry, tired, discouraged. Alena was ignoring me. Even the woman in redface was slowing down, her chant a hoarse whisper that was sucked up and obliterated in the roar of traffic. And then, as the afternoon faded toward rush hour, a wizened silvery old woman who might have been an aging star or a star’s mother or even the first dimly remembered wife of a studio exec got out of a long white car at the curb and strode fearlessly toward us. Despite the heat--it must have been 80 degrees at this point--she was wearing an ankle-length silver-fox coat, a bristling shouldery wafting mass of peltry that must have decimated every burrow on the tundra. It was the moment we’d been waiting for.
A cry went up, shrill and ululating, and we converged on the lone old woman like a Cheyenne war party scouring the plains. The man beside me went down on all fours and howled like a dog, Alena slashed the air with her limp mink and blood sang in my ears. “Murderer!” I screamed, getting into it. “Torturer! Nazi!” The strings in my neck were tight. I didn’t know what I was saying. The crowd gibbered. The placards danced. I was so close to the old woman I could smell her--her perfume, a whiff of moth balls from the coat--and it intoxicated me, maddened me, and I stepped in front of her and blocked her path with all the seething militant bulk of my 185 pounds of sinew and muscle.
I never saw the chauffeur. Alena told me afterward that he was a former kickboxing champion who’s been banned from the sport for excessive brutality. The first blow seemed to drop from above, a shell lobbed from deep within enemy territory; the others came at me like a windmill churning in a storm. Someone screamed. I remember focusing on the flawless rigid pleats of the chauffeur’s trousers, and things got a bit hazy.
I woke to the dull thump of the surf slamming at the shore and the touch of Alena’s lips on my own. I felt as if I’d been broken on the wheel, dismantled and put back together again. “Lie still,” she said, and her tongue moved across my swollen cheek. Stricken, I could only drag my head across the pillow and gaze into the depths of her parti-colored eyes. “Youu’ re one of us now,” she whispered.
Next morning, I didn’t even bother to call in sick.

BY THE END OF THE WEEK, I’d recovered enough to crave meat, for which I felt deeply ashamed, and to wear out a pair of vinyl huaraches on the picket line. Together, and with various coalitions of antivivisectionists, militant vegans and cat lovers, Alena and I tramped a hundred miles of sidewalk, spray-painted inflammatory slogans across the windows of supermarkets and burger stands, denounced tanners, furriers, poulterers and sausage makers and somehow found time to break up a cockfight in Pacoima. It was exhilarating, heady, dangerous. If I’d been disconnected in the past, I was plugged in now. I felt righteous--for the first time in my life, I had a cause--I had Alena, Alena above all. She fascinated me, fixated me, made me feel like a tomcat leaping in and out of second-story windows, oblivious to the free fall and the picket fence below. There was her beauty, of course, a triumph of evolution and the happy interchange of genes going all the way back to the cave men, but it was more than that--it was her commitment to animals, to the righting of wrongs, to morality that made her irresistible. Was it love? The term is something I’ve always had difficulty with, but I suppose it was. Sure it was. Love, pure and simple. I had it, it had me.
“You know what?” Alena said one night as she stood over the miniature stove, searing tofu in oil and garlic. We’d spent the afternoon demonstrating out in front of a tortilla factory that used rendered animal fat as a congealing agent, after which we’d been chased three blocks by an assistant manager at Von’s who objected to Alena’s spray-painting MEAT IS DEATH over the specials in the front window. I was giddy with the adolescent joy of it. I sank into the couch with a beer and watched Alf limp across the floor to fling himself down and lick at a suspicious spot on the floor. The surf boomed like thunder.
“What?” I said.
“Thanksgiving’s coming.”
I let it ride a moment, wondering if I should invite Alena to my mother’s for a big basted bird stuffed with canned oysters and buttered bread crumbs, and then realized it probably wouldn’t be such a great idea. I said nothing.
She glanced over her shoulder. “The animals don’t have a whole lot to be thankful for, that’s for sure. It’s just an excuse for the meat industry to butcher a couple million turkeys, is all it is.” She paused; hot safflower oil popped in the pan. “I think it’s time for a little road trip,” she said. “Can we take your car?”
“Sure, but where are we going?”
She gave me her Gioconda smile. “To liberate some turkeys.”

IN THE MORNING, I CALLED MY BOSS to tell him I had pancreatic cancer and wouldn’t be in for a while, then we threw some things into the car, helped Alf scrabble into the back seat and headed up Route Five for the San Joaquin Valley. We drove for three hours through a fog so dense the windows might as well have been packed with cotton. Alena was secretive, but I could see she was excited. I knew only that we were on our way to rendezvous with a certain “Rolfe,” a longtime friend of hers and a big name in the world of ecotage and animal rights, after which we would commit some desperate and illegal act for which the turkeys would be eternally grateful.
There was a truck stalled in front of the sign for our exit at Calpurnia Springs, and I had to brake hard and jerk the wheel around twice to keep the tires on the pavement. Alena came up out of her seat and Alf slammed into the armrest like a sack of meal, but we made it. A few minutes later, we were gliding through the ghostly vacancy of the town itself, lights drifting past in a nimbus of fog, glowing pink, yellow and white, and then there was only the blacktop road and the pale void that engulfed it. We’d gone ten miles or so when Alena instructed me to slow down and began to study the right-hand shoulder with a keen, unwavering eye.
The earth breathed in and out. I squinted hard into the soft drifting glow of the headlights. “There, there!” she cried and I swung the wheel to the right and suddenly we were lurching along a pitted dirt road that rose up from the blacktop like a goat path worn into the side of a mountain. Five minutes later, Alf sat up in the back seat and began to whine, and then a crude unpainted shack began to detach itself from the vagueness around us.
Rolfe met us on the porch. He was tall and leathery, in his 50s, I guessed, with a shock of hair and rutted features that brought Samuel Beckett to mind. He was wearing gum boots and jeans and a faded lumberjack shirt that looked as if it had been washed a hundred times. Alf took a quick pee against the side of the house, then fumbled up the steps to roll over and fawn at Rolfe’s feet.
“Rolfe!” Alena called, and there was too much animation in her voice, too much familiarity, for my taste. She took the steps in a bound and threw herself into his arms. I watched them kiss, and it wasn’t a fatherly-daughterly sort of kiss, not at all. It was a kiss with some meaning behind it, and I didn’t like it. Rolfe, I thought: What kind of name is that?
Rolfe,” Alena gasped, still a little breathless from bouncing up the steps like a cheerleader. ‘‘I’d like you to meet Jim.”
This was my signal. I ascended the porch steps and held out my hand. Rolfe gave me a look out of the hooded depths of his eyes and then took my hand in a hard callused grip, the grip of the wood splitter, the fence mender, the liberator of hothouse turkeys and laboratory mice. “A pleasure,” he said, and his voice rasped like sandpaper.
There was a fire going inside, and Alena and I sat before it and warmed our hands while Alf whined and sniffed and Rolfe served Red Zinger tea in Japanese cups the size of thimbles. Alena hadn’t stopped chattering since we stepped through the door, and Rolfe came right back at her in his woodsy rasp, the two of them exchanging names and news and gossip as if they were talking in code. I studied the reproductions of teal and widgeon that hung from the peeling walls, noticed the case of Heinz vegetarian beans in the corner and the half gallon of Jack Daniel’s on the mantel. Finally, after the third cup of tea, Alena settled back in her chair--a huge old Salvation Army sort of thing with a soiled antimacassar--and said, “So what’s the plan?”
Rolfe gave me another look, a quick predatory darting of the eyes, as if he weren’t sure I could be trusted, and then turned back to Alena. “Hedda Gabler’s Range-Fed Turkey Ranch,” he said. “And no, I don’t find the name cute, not at all.” He looked at me now, a long steady assay. “They grind up the heads for cat food, and the neck, the organs and the rest, that they wrap up in paper and stuff back in the body cavity like it was a war atrocity or something. Whatever did a turkey go and do to us to deserve a fate like that?”
The question was rhetorical, even if it seemed to have been aimed at me, and I made no response other than to compose my face in a look that wedded grief, outrage and resolve. I was thinking of all the turkeys I’d sent to their doom, of the plucked wishbones, the pope’s noses and the crisp browned skin I used to relish as a kid. It brought a lump to my throat, and something more : I realized I was hungry.
“Ben Franklin wanted to make them a national symbol,” Alena chimed in, “did you know that? But the meat eaters won out.”
“Fifty thousand birds,” Rolfe said, glancing at Alena and bringing his incendiary gaze back to rest on me. “I have information they’re going to start slaughtering them tomorrow for the fresh-not-frozen market.”
“Yuppie poultry.” Alena’s voice was drenched in disgust.
For a moment, no one spoke. I became aware of the crackling of the fire. The fog pressed at the windows. It was getting dark.
“You can see the place from the highway,” Rolfe said finally, “but the only access is through Calpurnia Springs. It’s about twenty miles--twenty-two point three, to be exact.”
Alena’s eyes were bright. She was gazing at Rolfe as if he’d just dropped down from heaven. I felt something heave in my stomach.
“We strike tonight.”

ROLFE INSISTED THAT WE TAKE MY CAR--”Everybody around here knows my pickup, and I can’t take any chances on a little operation like this”--but we did mask the plates, front and back, with an inch-thick smear of mud. We blackened our faces like commandos and collected our tools from the shed out back--tin snips, crowbars and two five-gallon cans of gasoline. “Gasoline?” I said, trying the heft of the can.
Rolfe gave me a crazy look. “To create a diversion,” he said. Alf, for obvious reasons, stayed behind in the shack.
If the fog had been thick in daylight, it was impermeable now; the sky collapsed upon the earth. It took hold of the headlights and threw them back at me till my eyes began to water from the effort of keeping the car on the road. But for the ruts and bumps, we might have been floating in space. Alena sat up front between Rolfe and me, curiously silent. Rolfe didn’t have much to say, either, save for the occasional grunted command: “Hang a right here”; “Hard left”; “Easy, easy.” I thought about meat and jail and the heroic proportions to which I was about to swell in Alena’s eyes and what I intended to do to her when we finally got to bed. It was two A.M. by the dashboard clock.
“OK,” Rolfe said, and his voice came at me so suddenly it startled me, “pull over here--and kill the lights.”
We stepped out into the hush of night and eased the doors shut behind us. I couldn’t see a thing, but I could hear the not-so-distant hiss of traffic on the highway, and another sound, too, muffled and indistinct, the gentle, unconscious suspiration of thousands of my fellow creatures. And I could smell them, a seething rancid odor of feces and feathers and naked scaly feet; it crawled down my throat and burned my nostrils. “Whew,” I said in a whisper, “I can smell them.”
Rolfe and Alena were vague presences at my side. Rolfe flipped open the trunk and in the next moment, I felt the heft of a crowbar and a pair of tin snips in my hand. “Listen, you, Jim,” he whispered, taking me by the wrist in his iron grip and leading me half a dozen steps forward. “Feel this?”
I felt a grid of wire, which he promptly cut: snip, snip, snip. “This is their enclosure--they’re out there in the day, scratching around in the dirt. You get lost, you follow this wire. Now, you’re going to take a section out of this side, Alena’s got the west side and I’ve got the south. Once that’s done, I signal with the flashlight and we bust open the doors to the turkey houses--they’re these big low white buildings; you’ll see them when we get close--and flush the birds out. Don’t worry about me or Alena. Just worry about getting as many birds out as you can.”
I was worried. Worried about everything, from some half-crazed farmer with a shotgun or an AK-47, or whatever they carried these days, to losing Alena in the fog to the turkeys themselves--how big were they? Were they violent? They had claws and beaks, didn’t they? And how were they going to feel about me bursting into their bedroom in the middle of the night?
“And when the gas cans go up, you high-tail it back to the car, got it?”
I could hear the turkeys tossing in their sleep. A truck shifted gears out on the highway. “I think so,” I whispered.
“And one more thing--be sure to leave the keys in the ignition.”
This gave me a pause. “But--?”
“The getaway.” Alena was so close I could feel her breath on my ear. “I mean, we don’t want to be fumbling around for keys when all hell is breaking loose out there, do we?”
I eased open the door and reinserted the key in the ignition, even though the automatic buzzer warned me against it. “OK,” I murmured, but they were already gone, soaked up in the shadows and the mist. At this point, my heart was hammering so loudly I could barely hear the rustling of the turkeys. This is crazy, I told myself, it’s hurtful and wrong, not to mention illegal. Spray-painting slogans was one thing, but this was something else altogether. I thought of the turkey farmer asleep in his bed, an entrepreneur working to make America strong, a man with a wife and kids and a mortgage . . . but then I thought of all those innocent turkeys consigned to death, and finally I thought of Alena, long-legged and loving, and the way she came to me out of the darkness of the bathroom and the boom of the surf.
I took the tin snips to the wire.
I must have been at it half an hour, 45 minutes, gradually working my way toward the big white sheds that had begun to emerge from the gloom up ahead, when I saw Rolfe’s flashlight blinking off to the left. This was my signal to head to the nearest shed, snap off the padlock with my crowbar, fling open the doors and herd a bunch of cranky, suspicious gobblers out into the night. It was now or never, I looked twice around me and then broke for the nearest shed in an awkward crouching gait. The turkeys must have sensed that something was up--from behind the long white windowless wall there arose a watchful gabbling, a soughing of feathers that fanned up like a breeze in the treetops. Hold on, you toms and hens, I thought, freedom is at hand. A jerk of the wrist and the padlock fell to the ground. Blood pounding in my ears, I took hold of the door and jerked it open with a great dull booming reverberation--and suddenly, there they were, turkeys, thousands upon thousands of them, cloaked in white feathers under a string of dim yellow bulbs. The light glinted in their reptilian eyes. Somewhere a dog began to bark.
I steeled myself and sprang through the door with a shout, whirling the crowbar over my head. “All right!” I boomed, and the echo gave it back to me a hundred times over. “This is it! Turkeys, on your feet!” Nothing. No response. But for the whisper of rustling feathers and the alertly cocked heads, they might have been sculptures, throw pillows, they might as well have been dead and butchered and served up with yams and onions and all the trimmings. The barking of the dog went up a notch. I thought I heard voices.
The turkeys crouched on the concrete floor, wave upon wave of them, stupid and immovable; they perched in the rafters, on s eves and platforms, huddled in wooden stalls. Desperate, I rushed into the front rank of them, swinging my crowbar, stamping my feet and howling like the wishbone plucker I once was. That did it. There was a shriek from the nearest bird and the others took it up till an unholy racket filled the place, and now they were moving, tumbling down from their perches, flapping their wings in a storm of dried excrement and pecked-over grain, pouring across the concrete floor till it vanished beneath them. Encouraged, I screamed again—“Yeeeeeee-ha-ha-ha-ha!” and beat at the aluminum walls with the crowbar as the turkeys shot through the doorway into the night.
It was then that the black mouth of the doorway erupted with light and the ka-boom! of the gas cans sent a tremor through the earth. Run! a voice screamed in my head, and the adrenaline kicked in and all of a sudden, I was scrambling for the door in a hurricane of turkeys. They were everywhere, flapping their wings, gobbling and screeching, loosing their bowels in panic. Something hit the back of my legs and all at once I was down among them, on the floor, in the dirt and feathers and wet turkey shit. I was a roadbed, a turkey expressway. Their claws dug at my back, my shoulders, the crown of my head. Panicked now, choking on the feathers and dust and worse, I fought to my feet as the big screeching birds launched themselves around me and I staggered out into the barnyard. “There! Who’s that there?” a voice roared, and I was off and running.
What can I say? I vaulted turkeys, kicked them aside like so many footballs, slashed and tore at them as they sailed through the air. I ran till my lungs felt as if they were burning right through my chest, disoriented, bewildered, terrified of the shotgun blast I was sure would cut me down at any moment. Behind me the fire raged and lit the fog till it glowed blood--red and hellish. But where was the fence? And where the car?
I got control of my feet then and stood stock-still in a flurry of turkeys, squinting into a wall of fog. Was that it? Was that the car over there? At that moment, I heard an engine start up somewhere behind me--a familiar engine with a familiar coughing gurgle in the throat of the carburetor--and then the lights blinked on briefly 300 yards away. I heard the engine race and listened, helpless, as the car roared off in the opposite direction. I stood there a moment longer, forlorn and forsaken, and then I ran blindly off into the night, putting the fire, the shouts and the barking and the incessant mindless squawking of the turkeys as far behind me as I could.

WHEN DAWN FINALLY BROKE, it was only just perceptibly, so thick was the fog. I’d made my way to a blacktop road--which road and where it led I didn’t know--and sat crouched and shivering in a clump of weeds just off the shoulder. Alenda wouldn’t desert me, I was sure of that--she loved me, as I loved her; needed me, as I needed her--and I was sure she’d be cruising along the back roads looking for me. My pride was wounded, of course, and if I never laid eyes on Rolfe again I felt wouldn’t be missing much, but at least I hadn’t been drilled full of shot, savaged by farm dogs or pecked to death by irate turkeys. I was sore all over, my shin throbbed where I’d slammed into something substantial while vaulting through the night, there were feathers in my hair and my face and arms were a mosaic of cuts and scratches and long trailing fissures of dirt. I’d been sitting there for what seemed like hours, cursing Rolfe, developing suspicions about Alena and unflattering theories about environmentalists in general, when finally I heard the familiar slurp and roar of my car cutting through the mist ahead of me.
Rolfe was driving, his face impassive. I flung myself into the road like a tattered beggar, waving my arms over my head and giving vent to my joy, and he very nearly ran me down. Alena was out of the car before it stopped, wrapping me up in her arms, and then she was bundling me into the back seat with Alf and we were on our way back to the hideaway. “What happened?” she cried, as if she couldn’t have guessed. ‘‘Where were you? We waited as long as we could.”
I was feeling sulky, betrayed, feeling as if I were owed a whole lot more than a perfunctory hug and a string of insipid questions. Still, as I told my tale, I began to warm to it--they’d got away in the car with the heater going, and I’d stayed behind to fight the turkeys, the farmers and the elements, too, and if that weren’t heroic, I’d like to know what was. I looked into Alena’s admiring eyes and pictured Rolfe’s shack, a nip or two from the bottle of Jack Daniel’s, maybe a peanut-butter-and-tofu sandwich and then the bed, with Alena in it. Rolfe said nothing.
Back at Rolfe’s, I took a shower and scrubbed the turkey droppings from my pores, then helped myself to the bourbon. It was ten in the morning and the house was dark--if the world had ever been without fog, there was no sign of it here. When Rolfe stepped out onto the porch to fetch an armload of firewood, I pulled Alena down into my lap. “Hey,” she murmured, “I thought you were an invalid.”
She was wearing a pair of too-tight jeans and an oversized sweater with nothing underneath it. I slipped my hand inside the sweater and found something to hold on to. “Invalid?” I said, nuzzling at her sleeve. “Hell, I’m a turkey liberator, an ecoguerrilla, a friend of the animals and the environment, too.”
She laughed, but she pushed herself up and crossed the room to stare out the occluded window. “Listen, Jim,” she said, “what we did last night was great, really great, but it’s just the beginning.” Alf looked up at her expectantly. I heard Rolfe fumbling around on the porch, the thump of wood on wood. She turned around to face me now. “What I mean is Rolfe wants me to go up to Wyoming for a little bit, just outside Yellowstone--”
Me? Rolfe wants me? There was no invitation in that, no plurality, no acknowledgment of all we’d meant to each other. “For what?” I said. “What do you mean?”
“There’s this grizzly--a pair of them, actually--and they’ve been raiding places outside the park. One of them made off with the mayor’s Doberman the other night and the people are up in arms. We--I mean, Rolfe and me and some other people from the old Bolt Weevils in Minnesota?--we’re going to go up there and make sure the Park Service--or the local yahoos--don’t eliminate them. The bears, I mean.”
My tone was corrosive. “You and Rolfe?”
“There’s nothing between us, if that’s what you’re thinking-- this has to do with animals, that’s all.”
“Like us?”
She shook her head slowly. “Not like us, no. We’re the plague on this planet, don’t you know that?”
Suddenly, I was angry. Seething. Here I’d crouched in the bushes all night covered in turkey crap, and now I was part of a plague. I was on my feet. “No, I don’t know that.”
She gave me a look that let me know it didn’t matter, that she was already gone, that her agenda, at least for the moment, didn’t include me and there was no use arguing about it. “Look,” she said, her voice dropping as Rolfe slammed back through the door with a load of wood, ‘‘I’ll see you in L.A. in a month or so, OK?” She gave me an apologetic smile. “Water the plants for me?”

AN HOUR LATER, I WAS ON THE ROAD AGAIN. I’d helped Rolfe stack the wood beside the fireplace, allowed Alena to brush my lips with a goodbye kiss, and then stood there on the porch while Rolfe locked up, lifted Alf into the bed of his pickup and rumbled down the rutted dirt road with Alena at his side. I watched till their brake lights dissolved in the drifting gray mist, then fired up my car and lurched down the road behind them. A month or so: I felt hollow inside. I pictured her with Rolfe, eating yogurt and wheat germ, stopping at motels, wrestling grizzlies and spiking trees. The hollowness opened up, cored me out till I felt as if I’d been plucked and gutted and served up on a platter myself.
I found my way back through Calpurnia Springs without incident--there were no roadblocks, no flashing lights and grim-looking troopers searching trunks and back seats for a tallish 30-year-old ecoterrorist with turkey tracks down his back--but after I turned onto the highway for Los Angeles, I had a shock. Ten miles up the road, my nightmare materialized out of the gloom: red lights everywhere, signal flares and police cars lined up on the shoulder. I was on the very edge of panicking, a beat away from cutting across the meridian and giving them a run for it, when I saw the truck jackknifed up ahead. I slowed to 40, 30, and then hit the brakes. In a moment, I was stalled in a lane of cars and there was something all over the road, ghostly and white in the fog. At first I thought it must have been flung from the truck, rolls of toilet paper or crates of soap powder ruptured on the pavement. It was neither. As I inched closer, the tires creeping now, the pulse of the lights in my face, I saw that the road was coated in feathers, turkey feathers. A storm of them. A blizzard. And more: There was flesh there, too, slick and greasy, a red pulp ground into the surface of the road, thrown up like slush from the tires of the car ahead of me, ground beneath the massive wheels of the truck. Turkeys. Turkeys everywhere.
The car crept forward. I flicked on the windshield wipers, hit the WASHER button, and for a moment, a scrim of diluted blood obscured the windows and the hollowness opened up inside me till I thought it would suck me inside out. Behind me, someone was leaning on his horn. A trooper loomed up out of the gloom, waving me on with the dead yellow eye of his flashlight. I thought of Alena and felt sick. All there was between us had come to this, expectations gone sour, a smear on the road. I wanted to get out and shoot myself, turn myself in, close my eyes and wake up in jail, in a hair shirt, in a strait jacket, anything. It went on. Time passed. Nothing moved. And then, miraculously, a vision began to emerge from behind the smeared glass and the gray belly of the fog, lights glowing golden in the waste. I saw the sign, GAS/FOOD/LODGING, and my hand was on the blinker.
It took me a moment, picturing the place, the generic tile, the false cheer of the lights, the odor of charred flesh hanging heavy on the air, Big Mac, three-piece dark meat, carne asada, cheeseburger. The engine coughed. The lights glowed. I didn’t think of Alena then, didn’t think of Rolfe or grizzlies or the doomed bleating flocks and herds or of the blind bunnies and cancerous mice--I thought only of the cavern opening inside and how to fill it. “Meat,” and I spoke the word aloud, talking to calm myself as if I’d awakened from a bad dream, “it’s only meat.”

A failure to communicate

I'll take this down, but its something that I noticed that was intriguing yesterday...

http://americannews.com/youll-never-believe-why-this-woman-was-sentenced-to-25-years-for-murdering-her-rapist/

That there is a link! There is one inaccuracy, only shown in the photo. The text is accurate. Relatively so. Maybe not.

Before I get to that, here is the actual case. I don't want my blog turned into a crime drama. Fuck that. I just told someone my dream last night. I'm skating on thin ice.

(And I just finished the last bit of caffeine in the house. Save me Jesus.)

The actual story as shown through the entertainment lenses in black and white morality is a formula for almost all of these stories. Its a one trick pony. How dare these killers think we are that stupid to believe them? They are betting their freedom on the collected stupidity of a typical jury pool.

All of them can fit into that morality. Which is just as good because it's confusing to question it deeper in a 45 minute time slot. Murder will always be illegal.

The red flag in the real story is that, like me, this girl was addicted to benzos.

The amount of a certain type of benzo that I had to take every 12 hours to prevent a seizure for, I don't know, 17 years, is enough with one dose to kill most people. Luckily, I don't have a murder under my belt, otherwise I'd have to rely on the collected stupidity of law abiding citizens for my freedom.

This is the problem with that link....

He's not black. Nope. The real man she killed is the white guy in the above photo. So knowing that one image is wrong, these are the comments on the story when he is switched with that black fellow....

One might say that what I am selling is black and white too!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IW55IlpNgRA

*Just ignore everything but the comments. Then if you are bored like me, you can watch this youtube and be indignant that she thinks you believe her.

He should still be alive, but aside from that, the prison systems just throw people away. They need to be like schools that you graduate from with some type of sociological competence. Something. Anything then what they are now. It's an entire culture of poverty stricken people who often don't know better. I'm waiting for Trump to talk about the corrective system. I did not vote for him, but felons can't vote.  I'd rather be given the option to drink poison then to vote for either of the candidates up for sale.

Yesterday I hired a lawyer to appeal my conviction. It's a long shot, but I have such hope.

One end Side Note is that I only watched this one specific 48 hours because some asshole commented that it's hilarious after smoking a joint. That's not very nice.

Monday, February 27, 2017

West Texas Hipsters- If They Exist.



I didn't pay attention to my boyfriend, before he became that to me, until he told me that he lived in Florida. He's eaten alligator tails before; very exotic.

And because Texas is an ass-kicking state, here is the rest of this story:

http://gawker.com/man-named-bear-kills-gator-that-ate-his-dumb-friend-h-1716237190

&

http://www.barstoolsports.com/barstoolu/in-the-best-follow-up-ever-man-named-bear-shoots-and-kills-the-alligator-who-ate-his-friend-over-the-weekend-he-had-to-go/

I love my human race. Bless those gators.

Friday, January 13, 2017

About the Shirt that I'm wearing

I actually am playing Solitary until dawn. I have a tie game between the computer and me in chess. My life is in shambles. I have a broken vacuum, broken dog, broken truck; everything is broken. I tune out with Solitary and The Four Seasons. My life sucks.
I was wearing a shirt up until this morning that I've had since I was 33. I don't know how far I want to go back to explain the story of how I got to own the shirt that I was wearing, but file this blog under: An Answer to Cynicism."
I'll start at being 33. At 33 I was living with a South African narcissist who benefited from me living with him. He was never outright abusive to me physically, but he did give me a few good scares. And one of those scares was the catalyst for this story.
Abusive people rationalize their behavior unlike no other. He was fighting with me over our mutual vehicle which I needed to get to an 8am class. I took the keys, and as I was walking out the door I heard a loud banging sounded that effected my elbow. I looked down and there was a screwdriver on the floor. He cleared off the table to demonstrate that he was angry and a screwdriver went flying and hit my elbow.
That day when I was in school, I looked around hating everyone who had the luxury of paying attention in class. I decided that the next time I was physically touched I would call the police.
Fast forward about a week. I drank an entire bottle of whiskey and woke up with bruises from a struggle for me to get out of the house. I literally ran to the neighbors screaming, "Help help!" at the top of my lungs while this guy chased me right into a neighbors front door.
This was Humboldt county, and domestic violence is a big problem that no one wants to deal with ever. The same with the neighbors who allowed me to be in their home. Not one out of a half dozen neighbors called the police. I waited until I was certain that no one would call the police, then I called them.
It turned out badly for me. One power tripping cop told me to shut up or I would go to jail. That cop transported me to my brother's apartment, where I had gone for sanctuary 17 times since I met this South African narcissist. I was not a happy camper. This time I set to move to a safe place.
This is getting tiresome.
Long story short, I was in a record store in Arcata a few days after this event and an employee there told me that I could move into a home that he shared with one other man. After this man told me this, I made the biggest mistake of my life by telling him: "Money is no object. I need a safe place."
This story has two narcissists. The record store man was far worse.
I bought a crystal chandelier lamp from a head shop in Arcata for my new home. My older brother drafted a cashier's check to this record store employee. It read: To Matt Jackson. For: First months rent, last months rent, and the deposit. I still have a copy of this check.
I was in this home for 3 days before that beaded chandelier lamp shorted out, caused a serious fire, and in that fire everything that I owned burned to ashes. It was The Wrath of God. This is why I stick with The Old Testament. I saw my future go up in flames.
In that fire I learned that I was not cool enough to try to save my cat, Lucian Price. I was outside crying hysterically when Matt Jackson showed up to see the house he lived in burning down. I did not know there was a such thing as a fire report. I told Matt: "I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you. Even if it meas that you keep my deposit."
He kept my deposit and asked for more money. He was completely insured against fire damage. Because of the illegal way that he moved me in, I was not insured. I lost everything that I owned and in this state of shock, he took more money from me. He kept the entire check and got $300 in addition to the check before I literally hid from him rather then sticking up for myself.
I had to move back in with my abusive ex.
At this time I saw the worst in people and the best in people.

Side Note: Let me flesh this idea out. While Matt Jackson was capitalizing from this fire and the money he could get out of me, there were Red Cross volunteers that bent over backwards to get to me where ever I was just to help me. A group of people in a stress management class that I was in pitched in to buy me clothes. A set of sheets that I had were bought for me by strangers. You can not be cynical when there are strangers who volunteer to help strangers for nothing. You can't. As long as there are good people out there that do compassionate things with no fan fare, its self pity to wallow in a, "Poor Me" state. There will always be people who capitalize on someone's bad fortune. But there are no shortage of volunteers. The Red Cross is full of bleeding hearts. I can't even remember the name of the Red Cross volunteer who came to me at college just to give me a $75 coupon for free food and shampoo and conditioner. He was as compassionate as if he was a dear friend.

I was still in Spanish 2 when someone who was sitting behind me asked how my text book was half burned. I told him about the fire. This person sat behind me for months without talking to me. The day he asked what happened to my text book I asked him to give me a ride home.
He did. As he was driving me home, he asked me a strange question. He asked me if I remembered him. "No."
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When I was 27 I was a mess of addiction issues. At one point my addictions were so bad, I did not want to live. I got an unwelcome visit from my then boyfriend. To shoo him away I drank a bottle of vodka and was as unattractive as possible. That day, after he left, I don't remember what happened but I know that I nearly died from the combination of heroin and vodka. I know from the records that the paramedics gave me two shots of adrenaline before my brother admitted that I was under due to opiates. They gave me a shot that caused me to get up and run. I took off my clothes and ralphed. I don't remember this. I do remember waking up in an ambulance to 2 paramedics telling me that they saved my life. At the time I did not want to hear it. I've thought about it often.
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One of those 2 paramedics turned out to be the man who drove me home from my Spanish class. After I told him about the fire and my abusive ex he took me clothing shopping under the condition that I told no one that he did that for me. He bought me $50 in clothes, then promptly dropped out of the Spanish class we had together.

I still own one of the shirts that he bought for me. No one died in that fire; just my faith in humanity. I'll get over it.