You Set The Scene

*This is the only thing that I am sure of
And that's all that lives is gonna die
And there'll always be some people here to wonder why
-The Band Love
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Right now it's 4:33 in the morning; a time I usually get up to check the time (I have this clock in different neon colors, very soothing) maybe get a snack, make sure I have not rolled over my cat, then back to sleep. But early this morning I had a gentle epiphany that had to be written down.

A while ago I spent this time in the morning in constant pain and/or anxiety-just a general worry all that time. This morning it occurred to me that it was the relationship I was in then. The person was so vexed with angst about him, that his anxiety passed over to me, so I felt it was my problem. The entire few years were his problem, which I never saw because the relationship was in constant turmoil to the point that I had to worry about whether it could be mended and not 'should' it be mended. So there was never breathing time to wonder the obvious- He is making all his problems as 'our' problems. At little more to illustrate my point then I'll move to my theme (Francis Bacon never even had a thesis thank you).

Ashes to ashes. He came from a rat race and went back to join it, so I suppose he never had breathing time to believe life could be better. He had a girlfriend who (at the time, before I got on the bus Gus) loved him and was financially independent, who believed in his dreams. All he cared about were issues not related to me. Yet I always felt this heavy pressure about his problems, because they affected how he made me feel. If he was stressed about work, I had to carry that burden. His future angst was mine. He wanted his band to work. His car payments, his electricity bill paid: all these cares that vanished like smoke in a blown out candle when I left. Now I can sit in the sun and smile. When my worries come, I will not bring my partner down.

I live in a town where most places are in walking distance. When I move, I'll have a car. I have one last semester of school. Until then I worked as a daycare provider and now I'm studying for Spanish 2. I'm buying artwork on-line and framing my apartment. But I can move, the world is my creation.

When I was a child, Spring in our woody area of land meant that dinosaur eggs were blooming. They grew as eggs in white with red strips on a certain bush. We would go to this stream with a giant log across it and search for sand rocks. Sand rocks are called something else in California. They are perfectly round rocks that, when cracked open, have a gold-like colored dirt inside them. My brothers knew a recipe to mix the gold dust with a special stick and our hose water to make real gold. We worked magic.

There were the swings. A certain swing was held on the branch of a giant oak tree (this was before we all read LOTR). That tree was moody but special, and had a soul inside the bark. The bravest siblings or friends would take the swing and fly to the bank on the other side of a lot of water, screaming something adults would laugh at now. We made our own fun. In these games we were gods.

I've enjoyed life since I left an unhealthy relationship. I don't feel like this town has nothing to offer. Anyone who feels the Redwoods are boring needs to open their eyes. I run up to four miles every other day. Hot Yoga Sundays (your body is your temple), learning about Spanish culture, blowing bubbles my cat obliterates like Bruce Lee. The beach. Fashion. Lust. What is there to worry about?

I always said that people want what they can't have so much, that they don't stop to wonder if they want that thing honestly. Same with relationships- when they break like glass in shaking hands you wonder how to reassemble, but don't wonder why it broke. So you could never imagine the character of the person because the relationship is a 'thing' in itself. Without imposed worries I don't smoke, I am healthy, hell I'm getting my first facial/massage this Friday. Everyone who knows me now are nice to me. For a few years I heard they would not be.

We imprison ourselves. Then we allow the rules and labels of a contrived society to keep us down. Life is short, I promise you. I'm 31. I remember like it was yesterday making a joke about turning 17 next week with my step-sister. It was said to me that William Blake's mother never corrected him when he would imagine things not real, such as angels in the trees. If a relationship is so stressful that drugs are the glue, or cruel remarks are the norm, you're a slave to pain. I'm a beautiful person. That time was poison for me, in every way. Take a day to lay in the grass and make shapes from the clouds. We are not a war torn country. Take every free moment you can now now now now now. As Poe said, "Life is but a dream in a dream".