Water

I have always wanted to go to one of those Baptisms they have in the South. Singing and praying and clapping. The holiest person holds you as you fall without abandon into cold water, newly saved and cleansed. You trust this person. They are there to catch you,to embrace you, and their love vibrates through out your body.

About this time last year I went to a flowing river where the pine trees grow in diagonals out of mountainous ground. Cold green water made up the rapids. Water flowing forever. I was with a boyfriend then, just a year ago. I did love him then. I remember this thought clearly as I was reading a chapter of "Trout Fishing in America" by Richard Brautigan, and felt the heat burning the top of my shoulders, my bikini was cold while sticking to my flesh, and his smile.... there was music in our lives. I tapped my 30 year old body quickly over the hot rocks of Northern California and slowly dipped into the green river, after the rapids, where the water was clear and still. I dunked my head under completely.

When suspended in water I freeze that moment. The water was so cold, pure, organic. There are no rules while under water. You are just suspended under the same substance that takes up 70% of your body. The substance that dominates our planet, our body, our life force. I held my nose under that silken green water; what I consider sacred, and dunked my head all the way back, making a wish, dropping to my knees so I was far enough to pull all my hair back in one fast motion. Then I surfaced, my hair back, coming up just plain happy. It's like being in the womb. All the elements are intensified. Both water and love are essential to life.

The same memory came from dunking my head in the Finish Hot Tub in Arcata while I was with this same man. I knew the moment was just a point in my life, but I savor all that is good. I dunked, I did handstands, I swam like a fish, I opened my eyes and noticed tiny jet bubbles. I saw the man I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with when I rose to the surface. That day while we were in the tub together he said he would dedicate a song to me.

Now we are separated. A quick fight with no talk to give any type of closure. Those water moments are just what they were to me then; suspended in time. No song was made. All promises broken. Being an English major I do like the metaphor of fresh, flowing, summer water, and two lovers alone together in nature, with flowing water over our feet and legs, and that's it. There was flowing water, and next to my feet I noticed when the water trapped it became stagnant, dirty, unhealthy. Metaphors again. A lot of promises were broken, but love what you have, then move on to more love.

I did not listen to the rules above the surface. That was my mistake. I was underwater and in love. But you need to come up for air. Underwater feels like I can do anything. Above the surface you take that nature and apply any metaphors to your life. Like the river, I'll always be flowing, another man in the same love. No, a higher love. My personal evolution has skyrocketed after leaving this man behind. Our lives should flow always, to remain fresh, not stagnant.

"We live, as we dream, ALONE". This is a positive thing, though I'm all for immersing your soul in love.